A Satirical Essay on the Freedom of Dentures
Intro:
Hello readers, I hope this essay finds you well. I wanted to discuss an idea that’s percolated in my mind. If we implemented this idea I’m about to share with y’all, it would change the landscape of our society as we know it. I know change is scary, but as you read through my presentation, at least consider this idea with sincerity.
Now, how many of us dislike brushing our teeth? I don’t mean you throw a fit or anything, but what I wonder is how many of us would choose not to brush our teeth if we could and not face repercussions. I assume most of us would take that deal. Yet, don’t we realize we have this power already? And here in lies my idea and thesis: I think we should remove our teeth as a society and replace them with dentures.
Hold on a second, you might be saying. And yes, I understand this is a rather shocking claim. But I have three reasons why I think this would work. So I ask you to let that shock subside, and listen to your curiosity.
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Benefit #1: Time
They say time is money, and though a total teeth cleaning routine might take five minutes at most, that’s five extra minutes you could’ve stayed in bed or enjoyed your morning cup of coffee. Or one less thing you have to do before throwing yourself amidst the covers of your bed at night. Beyond cleaning, think of the other ways we would save time. If we use dentures, then we’d take them out at night so those of us who grind our teeth in our sleep can worry no more. That means no more tense jaw muscles and better sleep. For everyone else, think of never having to experience a toothache again, or the extra freedom to engage in some cheat food without worrying about your teeth.
Benefit #2: Money
This might be the biggest selling point. If our teeth no longer require upkeep, then no more dentist trips or dental insurance. Or imagine a world where we don’t have to go through wisdom teeth surgery. Not only does this give us more comfort in life, but it would save a lot of money. We’d also no longer need to buy toothbrushes, floss, or mouthwash. And this has greater importance than those of us who aren’t lazy realize. So much attention these days is on Big Tech or Big Pharma, and with good reason, but there’s one capitalistic enemy that has eluded us—Big Tooth. Replacing our teeth with dentures is the most direct way we can take back not just our time and money, but our power. Plus, we would no longer need to worry about whether fluoride is a threat.
Benefit #3: Culture
In this post-teeth world, there’s no envy of others’ genes or smiles because we all have the same set of pearls. There would be no going through braces as a kid. And for the English, they gain alleviation from a cultural stereotype. Have you ever met or seen someone who relied on their genetically gifted smile to get by a little easier? Well, no more. Now they’ll have to smile like the rest of us.
However, I will be honest, we would lose one thing as a society. This being the tradition of the tooth fairy, which is a wonderful childhood rite of passage. Yet, the universe blessed us with a movie in the 2000s with The Rock as the tooth fairy, and that gift alone balances out the loss.
A Further Proposal: Shit-Talking Dentures
While I’m only skimming the possibilities of what the world would look like without organic teeth, one of my favorites is establishing a cultural practice of having a separate set of dentures specifically for shit-talking. I see so many benefits in this. The first and most important being the removal of miscommunication. And if that is one of the top reasons for deteriorated relationships, then removing that possibility can only help.
Let me play out a hypothetical to show you what I mean. Say I got into it with somebody and put in my shit-talking dentures to let them know how I really feel. Using those dentures in that situation reduces miscommunication in a few ways. First off, this person would know they upset me because I had to put in my insult-teeth. And there’s no chance they can deflect it as sarcasm or tell me they didn’t think I was being serious, because clearly I would’ve been if I had put in those teeth.
Second, it adds a flair of soap opera to our lives, and who among us hasn’t wanted to deliver a wicked one-liner to a certain somebody? And the third reason, whoever’s on the receiving end can’t get upset. If shit-talking dentures became the status quo across society, and everyone could do it, then it’s no longer rude to shit talk it’s simply the new standard. And anyone who can’t put in their own pair of shit-talking dentures and deal with it is just digging their own grave.
Conclusion:
Thank you for taking the time to consider my proposal. I know it pictures a bold and bizarre world, but how much stranger is it compared to the rituals and practices we already do with our organic teeth? Really, I think the strangeness would only be initial, and beyond that we’d stride into a more accepting society. One with a lot more smiles.