In Case of Emergency, Use Salt: A Satirical Short Story About First Dates

(II)

The busi­ness card brought Julia twen­ty min­utes out­side of town. It could’ve been ten, but she passed two speed checks on the way over. Both of which didn’t help her mood or hang­over from last night’s unplanned binge-drink­ing episode with Danielle. 

A qui­et anger sim­mered in her stom­ach that morn­ing because Danielle had lied the day before. She’d promised the card after their drinks, but didn’t release it to Julia until this morn­ing. 

“Oh, quit your bitch­ing.” Danielle had moaned from Julia’s couch a few hours ago. “I don’t give this card out to every­one, you know. Just trust me, okay? And if you could grab me some Advil too, that’d be great.”

Based on the way Danielle had talked about it, Julia expect­ed to find this store through a wardrobe or a mag­ic tor­na­do. The store end­ed up hav­ing a dis­tinct appear­ance, but no mag­ic fur­ni­ture or storms hid it away. Instead, she found it snug­gled between a sports bar and a bowl­ing alley. Its walls were coral-paint­ed brick, and a black awning with yel­low let­ters hov­ered over the front door to wel­come cus­tomers. It read: Madam’s Won­der Wares.

Inside, pur­ple cloth hung across mahogany ban­is­ters, and var­i­ous objects rest­ed upon vel­vet cush­ions with­in glass cas­es. Julia glanced at the objects and fur­rowed her brow. She saw old toys, vin­tage clothes, and items she would find in a thrift store. 

“Hi there, can I help you?” A woman said. 

She stood like a stump and wore a ruf­fled magen­ta dress, and must’ve been four foot two. She raised her eyes to Julia and repeat­ed her ques­tion. 

“Can I help you, miss?”

“Yes… a friend gave me this address.”

The woman scratched her nose. “And?”

“Her name’s Danielle?” Julia said. “Oh, and it’s for my kitchen.”

“Oh,” the woman said with a clap. “Yes, yes. She’d just texted me about this.”

“Great,” Julia said. “Do you real­ly have some­thing that can help? I’m not sure what Danielle told you, but it’s pret­ty bad.”

“Cer­tain­ly. She’d sent over some pic­tures, so I know exact­ly what we’re deal­ing with. One moment.”

The woman shuf­fled away and came back sec­onds lat­er hold­ing a glass spray bot­tle with a pearl-white liq­uid float­ing inside. 

“Alright,” the woman said. “This one’s easy to use. Spray once in each area. Usu­al­ly stand­ing about five feet away. Then let the mag­ic work.”

“Mag­ic?”

“The less you ask, the bet­ter,” the woman said. “If you have any prob­lems, there’s an emer­gency label on the back.” She paused and scratched her nose again, “twen­ty dol­lars.”

Lots of ques­tions arose, but Julia didn’t have time for them. She had a date tonight and a kitchen to clean. She paid and left. Once in her car, she checked the time. 11:00 am. Per­fect. She’d get home, have some lunch, and start clean­ing. But when she got home, a com­pul­sion to relax over­took her pre­vi­ous wor­ry, and she put off clean­ing for a few hours.

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